Recapitulation 1

Recapitulation

is basically one of my old buddy

Don Juan Matus's

ideas.

The importance of 

remembering everything...

Facing every Black Hole in our Histories.

And not only in this lifetime...

And until we let Light into all the dark places.

We can't be Free. 

This might not be of much use to folks,

but I need to do this...

for myself.

It's the middle of the Night

Haven't been able to sleep.

Something Percolating.

It's not the question

How am I going to pay my Bills..?

That was last night.

$1000 dollars

Needed yesterday.

Faith....

But tonight it's something Deeper.

My Soul is Needling me...

It's been quite persistent..

I've gotten too good at Ignoring it.

So What's Up?

I don't remember much of my Life

Before we ran into that ....

UFO

In the desert.

Maybe I was 5th grade

or so.

Before that ,

except for a few 

Magical

things.

Almost all my memories,

are built around pictures

I have in an album.

But not many pictures.

My "Family"..

Who are these People.??

I'm not talking my current real family,

with Taryn and Bracken...

and a few others.

I'm talkin my "Mom"

and Dad, and Brother and Sister.

Who are these people?

My Brother...

No real memories of him.

It was like I always loved him from afar,

he was this sweet, cute....

distant little thing.

I remember doing something mean,

during a 

strange time of Darkness and Light..

at the Whisman Rd. (?) House.

A girl called him,

a cute little Mexican Girl

Go Ahead,

I had her name,

then Blocked it...

Then got more names...

Milly, Martha...

then blocked it.

He kind of liked her,

but he was this shy little thing.

She called him on the phone,

I pretended I was him.

He might have been in the 6th or 7th grade.

And this sweet little girl...

Wanted him to

do something to her

you wouldn't expect a sweet little girl to know about...

I certainly hadn't had it figured out by then.

But I said,

being my brother....

Come on over,

let's do it...

Basically.

He's a preacher today...

And I remember one time in Arizona

when his name came up...

He was in a hospital in Texas

having his heart patched up

by an eventual Rock Star Surgeon.

But that's about it with memories of him.

My Sister,

She was ....spooky to me.

Always very emotional,

crying and being off in her room with my parents

them whispering,

"Oh, it's Nothing, 

blah, blah, blah...."

She'd get angry and throw stuff.

We didn't talk as I recall.

"Kids were to be seen

and not heard.."

And be there to kiss

 all the drunk smokers at their parties...

and come out and sing a song....

Then back to the room until Mom has work for us.

I think my Mom's relationship with us

was pretty much like some

slaveholders had towards their slaves. 

We were there to do a job,

(mostly cleaning up the house)

keep quiet,

and be Good.

I scrubbed the floors and waxed them, made em shine over and over hoping to make her Happy...

Never felt like I did.

We didn't talk.

On Whisman,

in Mountain View CA.

BEFORE it became Silicon Valley,

as it was just beginning becoming that.

HMMM?

I bugged my parents room.

And this is during the time,

just a little before,

"The German"

came into my head and had me build

"the plant talking" machine.

Which I called it for lack of a better name.

But I was on the 5th Ray,

Scientific Mode.

And I took the wires from around a transformer,

really fine wires, and ran them under the edge of the carpet.

(On the outer edge of some professionally installed carpets,

is this little...

gully that runs.

It makes a perfect little place to run wires,

and not have them seen.

I ran it into their closet.

I had wired it to the mouthpiece out of a phone.

I stuck that in one of my Mom's

 ten million pairs of shoes. 

I think she had a fetish about shoes.

She once said something to me,

after coming home with another new pair of shoes,

and me showing her the holes in mine with cardboard in em...

She said something like,

" You don't expect me to wear the same pair twice in week."

Like I was just totally insane to 

suggest such a thing.

Then I went back in my room.

 I had headphones

connected to a super amplifier I had built,

"From Kits".

HMM, so this must have been not long before the German came....

The day before this my Dad had hooked up a reel to reel tape recorder behind a screen,

so when they came home after going out,

they could listen to what we had been doing.

We were not pre informed 

of his intentions in this area...

Boy was it a surprise when they came home and Dad pulled the screen aside and showed the recorder going.

Now for me I think this was the time of,

Learning Dirty Words.

I was a slow starter in that area,

compared to kids these days,

who get it from birth on TV,

or some even from people around them.

So I'm pretty sure I was practicing these words on my brother and sister,

and we were being "Crazy" in the front room.

And I think if I were to describe my persona as to who I embodied at that time,

I'd say I was a "Little Shit."

That's the only memory I have of that room...

Why were we there,

what are the chances of that..

There must have been some bait to get us to be and interact there,

because I really don't think it was

something we'd ever ordinarily do.

I don't recall spending much time with them.

OH, maybe it was a Puzzle and they wanted us to get as much done as we could and get some reward of take out food after....

Well we were BUSTED.

Thinking amazingly fast on my feet

and being in the Joe Scientist mode,

I kept my cool, 

laughing like,

"Oh, wow, you guys sure got us, he he,

I'll rewind it for you...."

That is after I go into my room and palm a very strong magnet..

a round tube shaped one.

Here,

I'll just hold it against the tape as I rewind it..

"Nothing on the Tape"

Hmmm????

"Cool, it worked"

Whew.!!

So the next day I think I was moved towards 

Retaliation I suppose.

So I bugged their room.

They came home,

as usual briskly headed to their room,

with nary a nod nor a greeting...

And closed the door a little too hard.

TO THE HEADSET !

He he,

My Mom was talking,

about me...

Then

Blackness

Like listening to the sound of the dirt,

being thrown over me,

laying in the ground in a coffin.

Shock

Altered State..

DEEP DEEP BLACK HOLE.

I don't know what she said,

but I was thrown into a dark abyss

I don't think I came out of for a very long time.

Then the German came...

AHHH, at last,

some intelligent company.

And he started guiding me to build this "Machine".

I was totally alone,

in this house of people..

then the German came.

Now you would think,

in any "Normal" family.

If parents saw a kid,

totally "Tranced Out"...

I think I called it,

"Zoning out".

Where they are taking very detailed instructions

of how to build an amazing machine,

from a voice in their heads....

And how their entire focus is upon listening to and following that voice...

For Weeks..

You might think there was 

reason to be concerned.

BUT

My parents who luckily between them worked

for the Air Force, NASA and Lockheed

all at the same time...

and just happened to bring home the hard to get parts I needed to build the machine,

plus the monthly science kits,

I could not believe they had gotten me...

Luckily I had these parents who acted as though

this was just every day stuff.

UNTIL

the machine was Done.

My Mom, would not even come look at it.

Hey, a Machine that allows a plant to communicate...

No thanks...

She was kind of freaked out.

Like the day we crossed paths with the UFO,

THAT freaked out.

And the way it went with Dad,

(Let me give the scenario)

OH, and you can read all about this in the section,

Coming out of the crazy weirdness closet"

..or something like that...

on the right of the main screen.

But here it is.

I didn't know what I was building,

until it was done.

Then I figured it was an Alarm System

where you used plants as sentries.

BECAUSE 

as soon as I stepped off the porch

and started walking to my "lab"

out back about 20 feet away,

The plant would start 

SCREAMING.

So , what a perfect alarm system.

Right.

So cmon Dad,

you gotta see this.

 I stay inside the back screen door,

I want my Dad to set it off.

He steps off the back porch,

NOTHING

step after step..

Nothing..

He walks right up to it and finally,

a small whisper.

"What the Hell??!!

I step off the back porch, 

thinking something must have come disconnected.

As soon as my foot hits the ground,

the plant starts screaming...

My Dad,

turns away from it.

He looks like he's in a trance...

I'm invisible

He walks to the house,

and he also feels to me

 like that night in the desert

with the UFO,

when they were so freaked out.

We never talked about that again,

well, we didn't talk.

That was my last day as "Joe Scientist"

And the German,

was done with me....

Until 7 years later..

(but that's a different story...)

HMM,

Maybe I was like 5th grade when the UFO thing happened,

because after that encounter

I had dreams that would happen..

Dreams and Day Dreams.

I dreamed when a bunch of folks at school would be poisoned by accident

when the school punk

sold them cinnamon toothpics..

And then,

sitting in class,

looking at the new Girl Martha...

couldn't speak English.

And I saw her stepfather shoot her Mom,

then kill himself..

In my head..

And I acted it out before her eyes..

as it was happening..

shooting then putting the gun in my mouth

pulling the trigger

and jerking my head back.....

Then a couple hours later the police came and took her away,

and I never saw her again...

So I remember the few Magical ,

and some traumatic things.

But before the UFO,

that's about it.

Recapitulating that might be difficult.

But then I spent all that time,

In the Light

Burning up stuff,

clarifying...

Then the Humpty Dumpty Episode...

Really messed things up....

And I wonder,

is there anything back there to recapitulate.

OK, so I was doing the Yoga of Dying,

I am henceforth renaming,
Yoga of the Death State,

to Yoga of Dying.

It's shorter and less typing...

So I died a lot in 1970 and 71.

And the thing about dying is,

that stage I call the White Hall,

erases a lot of us.

What little remains,

comes over in our DNA.

AHHH

Now I see what happened.

The Light Happened.

When we die and go through that process,

our life kind of boils down to

the most .....powerful episodes.

Our souls don't carry the minor stuff on...

So  maybe in my case a recapitualtion

of things prior to

my humpty dumpty episode...

Where I pulled all that stuff that had burned away,

back...

but in a jumbled 

out of sequence form...

We're talkin one fragmented dude here.

And been living as a ghost ever since.

And I'm still maintaining

the Block at the base of my Spine.

Holding the Light at Bay..

But it's harming my body.

I see 2 ways out.

I simply remove it

 and allow the Light to come in.

And this has never really been seriously considered..

at least not till I'm on my death bed...

Because of the vow my Soul made,

to the Group.

We do not make the big Moves ALONE.

And I've been Alone,

surrounded by people,

for a long time.

If we are not being true to our soul,

we are alone.

I know a lot of things that are not 

Common Knowledge.

I have traveled many different Paths,

to the Light.

I was supposed to teach these different paths.

But if I was going to deny myself that Light,

if I was blocking it in me,

teaching it......

seems like a lie.

It comes down to,

do I remove it by myself,

and break my vow to the group.

Or do I ..... 

gather the group,

and do it with them.

I just all my life figured that the Group

who I feel...

and meet sometimes in the Hall at Night...

would manifest outwardly in bodies...

later in my life.

Well this body hasn't been really happy.

The block manifesting problems again..

So I'm feeling like,

this is ,"Later in life".

So what are you gonna do. ???

The thing is, 

Right Now the world,

and humans need Healing.

Badly

And this is done with 

The Light.

The Light Heals All.

And you sure don't hear that in the Press.

What we all need to do is shoot poisons from Big Pharma into our bodies,

for Health.

Nope,

The Light is the Way

and the Way is the Light.

Christians...

and others

 got confused.

Attached a "persona" to the Light.

Small minds need familiar territory

to feel they are treading safely. 

But it's not about a "persona",

not about the "Son of God".

But it could be said that the Light,

is the 

Sun of God.

Maybe that's where the translation faltered...

and all Hell Broke Loose.

I knew when I was 20,

my teachers were quite clear...

what I was supposed to do.

And I haven't done it.

It has just taken all my time

Surviving.

I do not feel comfortable in a position of Teaching,

even though I know the Material very well.

Well, let's say

I have access to the material

beyond my brain

(I'm not talkin the internet here)

Because, well, here's the thing.

When you are teaching,

people ask questions...

And the answers to those questions....

in my case are rarely stored in my data bank of a brain.

I always have shunned ...

compiling data.

I prefer to go to the Source each time...

Otherwise it's ....

lacking real power.

So to Teach,

I must go to the Light...

And if I get in the habit of that

(you'll notice I don't write often)

it will threaten that block

I put at the base of my spine...

It will threaten the existence of the person people know and call, "Jeff".

The last time that happened in a big way,

I ended up doing my Humpty Dumpty Thing,

to save my loved ones the Trauma...

of who I really am. 

Maybe I'm a little angry about that.

Angry at myself for giving in,

and angry at the World,

for demanding it.

It's a difficult place to be,

a world where the Healers 

are the "Freaks".

And evil Piggies

Rule.

And make no comfortable place

for the Healers. 

If ever there was such a thing as a Christ

"returning to Earth"..

They would surely be Crucified...

In one form or another. 

AHHH

there is a trick to removing the Block...

slowly and carefully...

I still have the ability to go to Source

to the Light

to get answers

when questions are posed by others.

I never ask any questions for myself....

Because that takes me to 

"the Edge"

all alone.

And my vow was made to my Group,

on the edge of eternity,

steeped in that deepest aloneness

one feels there.

But when I go there for someone else,

I'm not alone.

And every piece of Light I bring back,

every time I go to the Light for the answer.

This shoots a small hole in the blockage. 

Like thge way the 5th Ray works,

to break down the walls to the Light.

One little hole in the darkness at a time..

Until there is nothing but holes in that darkness.

And the Light Shines.

Maybe I need to check out some

"Spiritual Forums"

I did that once before and met a few amazing people..

But mostly jive folks

looking to feel superior,

some folks charging money for their info..

which was just bogus...

But contained just a enough of a hint of reality,

to get it accepted...

AACKK

drove me crazy, 

people talking about the astral plane

and kundalini,

 but knowing only slightly enough about these to get people into trouble...

People arguing over what they had read...

not what they had experienced..

And giving more credence to what they had read,

than a person who knew from experience..

I did not enjoy those hotbeds of Spiritual Materialism.

But where else will I find the Questions

that will set me free.

 Well, it's time to get up and I haven't really gone to bed yet....

Hmmm???

Until everything we Think we Know

is Infused by Light

we'll be captive of the Darkness

and not totally Free.