I am a "Horrible horrible person."
I have believed this to the depth of my being
for my whole life,
and I'll tell you why later in this post.
Last night there was a chain of magical events that opened up some doors within me that caused me to wake up this morning...questioning....and crying.
And thanks to the fact that Taryn was laying there next to me, I think there might just be hope for my salvation yet.
Last night before I sat down to write my " Coming out of the Wierdness Closet" post I was in the kitchen cleaning up, so that when Taryn got up it would be all nice and clean, and a new batch of sauerkraut would be fermenting away. And I went to take my blood pressure pill....the only pill I take because of course I don't want to depart this Earth when I'm living in here in Heaven....and the doctor says I should take it. Then I thought of how maybe I just have a different metabolism, maybe for me a slightly elevated blood pressure was normal, because a long time ago, maybe 40 years ago our wonderful family physician, Dr. Williams told me that I had a heart that was twice the size of normal peoples hearts. So I figure if my heart is twice the size, then it's probably natural that I'd have a higher blood pressure.
Well then I came to my computer to write my post and when I was done I was thinking about the next chapter of my Coming out of the Wierdness Closet; of what happened next in my wild and crazy life at the time, and I remembered this girl who said she was a witch.... and, well she was. And this crazy time we spent when she and her daughter moved in with me for a short time. And I remembered that I had a letter stashed away for my whole life...that she had written to me, and I thought I'd include that in my post.
I had no idea where this letter might be and was wondering when I looked across the room to my bookshelf and saw a box on the bottom shelf. I knew I had a bunch of pictures there, and maybe..???.. so I went and grabbed it. There was actually two boxes; one full of pictures, and the other full of letters and cards. EUREKA. I put the box on my lap and sitting right on top was a letter from Doctor Williams that he must have written me 30 years ago. I had no memory of that letter at all. He said in this letter," Someday you will realize that you are as good as anybody and that you have certain qualities possessed by few." He said I was special...and that I was special to him, and to many. He said that I needed to realize this and that maybe in the future when I grew up I'd realize this...he said,"we can wait".
Well this blew my mind... I had just been thinking about him and how he said I had this double sized heart, and then I found this letter I didn't remember ever seeing. Then I wondered if maybe what he said about my heart was metaphorical.....
NO, Impossible, after all I am a horrible horrible person.
So I set it aside and kept digging through this box and in it were hundreds of letters, all of which were totally new to me, from all these different folks telling me how much they loved me and saying all these nice things....but I never saw them, I never heard their words.... I just stashed them away in this box, and have kept them all through the course of my life locked away.
Now I may be a horrible horrible person, but I have always been a very loving person. I loved all these people whose letters I had stashed away.... I loved them all so deeply..... but when their love came my way I didn't allow myself to see it, or feel it, or accept it....because I knew that this horrible horrible person didn't deserve to be loved. So I threw them in this box and forgot about them, yet have carried them with me all these years...adding any new ones when I got them.... like throwing them into a black hole, but I guess I was saving them for some reason.
I've never loved myself, and I realize that I've never accepted love from people, not from all those wonderful people that I loved, and love. And even now I realize how I block Taryn's sweet wonderful Love.
When she first moved in with me one of the first things she did was make me stand in front of a mirror and say," I love you" to myself...over and over. I fought her on this, I had such a hard time bringing myself to do this.
So I have this box with all these letters and cards and notes that I don't really remember ever getting because I guess I felt I didn't deserve them. And this morning I was talking to Taryn about all this and she was talking about accepting "gifts" and she say's, "Think of an innocent, loving, small child coming up to you with expectant eyes, holding out a present in their hands, wanting so much to bring you childlike joy.
Think of how it would break their heart if you didn't accept that gift from them."
God Taryn is soo wonderful.
And I just kept crying and feeling how I didn't deserve any gift from anyone, how I didn't deserve Taryn's sweet love or the love from anyone else..... And she kept telling me all this stuff about how I was such a sweet loving wonderful person and I was just cringing, and pushing her words away. Then she asked me why I couldn't accept Love. Was there some past life trauma that made me do this, "You are a Horrible Horrible Child". There it was, I suddenly remembered when I learned what a horrible horrible unworthy person I was. I was seven years old and living in Japan. A little girl my age and I were playing. She asked me to see my Pee Pee, and I was young and innocent and didn't really see why not, and then she showed me hers... WOW, different, totally different, she didn't have a pee pee. Then her Mom found us two sweet little innocent kids and FREAKED OUT. She drug me home to my parents and well I guess all Hell Broke loose. And somewhere in the Melee I was labeled in a loud emotional voice," a horrible horrible child".... And as children do with their elders.... I believed it, and for the rest of my life I felt un deserving of Love. The course of my life was totally colored by this and I closed myself off to Balance. Sure I was the most loving guy, but I didn't accept or ever feel that I deserved to be loved. That isn't healthy. What we give, we must also receive....that is basic Law..
So the moral of this my friends is that we have to love ourselves....we have to accept love every step of the way and not be condemned by the judgments of others.... And let's give our kids and other peoples kids a break and not lay any of this kind of heavy judgmental crap on their sweet innocent heads, because like I did with that woman way back in 1960 or so, I believed her to the very core of my being...
You are all so lovable.....
accept Love.
ACCEPT LOVE
And I am Lovable....
I accept Love.
