Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Coming out of the Scary Closet. Part 5 The Humpty Dumpty Episode.

Coming out of the Scary Closet. Part 5
The Humpty Dumpty Episode.

Well here comes another very drastic Change.   I realize some folks reading this could be on the verge of “Normal”, and this all can sound pretty crazy weird..but I also know that there are those of you who know exactly what I’m talking about.  Well if your on the verge of normal it’s going to get difficult ahead….
OK, I was an Aires meditator… I was Super Meditator. Meditation Man….I was meditating all night long, and even meditating while I was at work. I learned dozens and dozens of Pathways to the Light. Every one was an amazing adventure that I could do three times… For those who know what I’m talkin about I was working heavily on the 5th Ray, and Janine had a very magical part of that.  She was like a channel for questions that gave me places to go to get the answers…and allowed me to poke a lot of holes of Light in my casual body.  It worked out pretty good that this was the early 70’s because so many of the folks I worked with were stoned in one form or another…While they worked….. so here I am getting higher than all of them, Naturally…. So I fit right in…
Yeah, I do want to mention this here, cuz I can see how folks might be thinkin I was doing a bunch of drugs and trippin my butt off, sure sounds like it… But no, some Hells Angels once picked me up hitchhiking, gave me a ride to Big Sur, set me up with a pre boom box 8 track stereo with Jimi playin, and the Moody Blues…and gave me a hit of windowpane… It was nice , took me to the Light just like meditating…. But I could see… how it would be easy to be forced into some “side track” and I learned to avoid those, so didn’t choose to partake, yet used it as an excuse for being “how I was” many times…he he.
I was living with Janine’s family in Milpitis at one end of the Bay Area, and commuting twice a day to the other end, in Redwood City.  So one day in between shifts I’m sitting in my Girlfriends living room meditating. There was a fly flying and I saw it’s whole life, and suddenly hmmm,
……OK, I have to stop censuring myself….
Suddenly I was in the Light, with my eyes open…in the world.
And it was as if  Everything forever was inside of me.
I closed my eyes and found myself at this Place I call ,”God’s doorstep”
This is a place where I’d been many times,
 right before I would Let Go into the Light..
I imagine this is a well documented part of the Experience ( of going into the Light)
But this time was different.
This time I felt the Possibility of doing it permanently.
Jumping off and Just Being the Bliss Forever.
But then my teachers showed me something I don’t think they’d bothered to mention previously to Meditation Man ta ta ta daaa.
They made me see that that final step into “the Light”
We don’t make in a solitary way.
I’d been meditating my Butt off  headin to that goal… then found out….
Sorry, you don’t pass alone….
CRAP!!! DOUBLE CRAP…
I say that because in that moment of realization I felt an infinite “Aloneness”.
I felt like all those others I’d be Going into It with….
Were a lifetime away….
I had no doubts about the Group..
I’d started seeing them in “the White Hall” which is what I ended up calling that place I went in my dreams every night. ( Because everything was White Light…and it felt like a huge Hall…he he)
It just wasn’t going to come together on this level…. For a long long time..
And I felt so totally alone…
Like I was the only one in the center of the universe.
And at that exact moment Janine walked in the front door.
Now remember I said I was timeless, Well things “look” different when you are timeless…you see a lot more stuff.  So when Janine walked in the front door I saw her consciousness move out toward me…and mine move towards her….then at the moment they met in the middle of the room…. She started hysterically crying… Then, like I had seen the whole life of that fly a few moments ago, I saw her whole life…forward and backwards. I saw it in the form of the choices she would have to make… and I saw the choices that kept her best evolving….. It was amazing, I felt such a joy because I could help her with her choices in such a way as to make her path flow…..
But now she was hysterically crying.
And keep in mind that I was just experiencing ultimate lonliness….
And she say’s,” I want you back the way you used to be”.
That brought the question into my mind…
And I saw what might be a way….
Yes, it was possible to go back to who I was.. I decided I could probably do that..
My Teachers were …well, yelling at me… “Don’t do it….”
But I ignored them.
So I asked Janine,” Will you come to the Light with me?” (Because I could see her obstacles to that and help her get past them”), this was my thinking anyway. She said ,Yes, that’s what she wanted….
Now the “method” was to go onto the astral plane and gather the shed skins of my construct (I realize this sounds like gobbeldy gook), I just don’t know if I want to explain it r…..OK, There is this thing that humans have that I call a “construct”.  It is astral and mental in nature and is built upon all the energy that had gone into “defining” the Human. One of the Laws that governs Life in this Creation is the Law that Energy (of thought and emotion) is the fuel that drives Manifestation. Energy follows thought….and manifestation follows a maintained energy. The amount of energy that had defined us through all our lifetimes has no choice but to manifest…and this manifestation is like an energetic reflection of our soul.  It’s like our soul in almost every way, except that it lacks a motivation that is central to itself, but rather is created upon “outside” energy.  Anyway we all have this construct that is magnetically attached to us, that in a sense is “ourselves” yesterday. And this “construct” can be seen “behind” us on the astral plane. And in between us, and it can be seen what I call “the shedded skin of the construct”.. The shedded skin is “stuff” that we resolved and let go… lessons we learned and don’t need to carry around any more.   Limitations we once had before we evolved beyond them and let them go… Well all these things sort of “fall off” of us on an astral level, and can be seen as this “shedded skin”.
So here is the plan…. I go out there and just gather back that shedded skin.
Well there are Laws that govern the astral plane, and a major one says that , Where you put your attention…and intention…you will go. I learned this about the Heaven and Hell Realms when going through the death process.  (The astral plane is where much of the death process takes place….Heavens and Hells are astral in nature and have their existence on the astral plane.)
Anyway so I went out on the astral plane and “looked back” at my construct and the “shedded skin”, and just that action pulled them back into me.  So I was like this astral vacuum cleaner, flying around my construct, vacuuming up all the pieces of shedded skin. When I got them all collected I went back to my body….
YIKES !!!!
My teachers were gone…..
I could no longer see in a timeless way.
I suddenly saw the punchline of this cosmic joke,
“ We make ourselves in a particular order…
this order of things is how we grow and evolve and become who we are….
There is a particular sequence of things in a certain order…that makes us who we are….
And what I just did, was collect all those old pieces of myself…. Totally at random…in no real order……
Not a good idea.
The first thing I noticed was I was feeling Janine and hearing her thoughts… But not just her’s…the guy next door, and the guy next door …we were in a freakin apartment…and I was feeling and hearing everyone within about a square mile I finally figured.  (Testing it on a woman I could see way down a straight street) … Yikes….
 Well I maintained as best I could…. Which I don’t think was all that well. Janine and I got married, got a nice little apartment…. Where I could hear and feel all the neighbors…like all of them were inside of me…
Holy Crap Batman
I was working at Stanford for the Phone Company, got moved inside off the poles except for one day a week when I did Line repairs.  Well another side effect of this Humpty Dumpty episode was that I kept going into the Light…at very inconvenient times, Like at work, like on top of a telephone pole.  And one day I kept going into the Light and managed to make it into a bathroom stall…. But not out of the Light…… And folks began to wonder…and finally came to see….and finally someone gave me a ride home…… So now I was either always in the Light, or always had a whole mess of folks inside of me…and some of them were very sick, or mentally confused, or had major infirmities….and I felt all of it like it was me……
Get me outa here.

We ended up living in our VW van as far from humans in the woods as we could get….
Then when people would come into our camp….who had some infirmity, or mental condition….I would sort of go into convulsions….. it was like all this crap was bangin around inside of me… So I had to go into the Light to be OK….. And it was cool because the persons “problem” was also fed by the Light, and they were healed… But the experience wasn’t “good” for me…..
Well life was difficult…but interesting……..
I found a method to block my sensitivity….
And I knew that the block would cause me some serious trouble if I had to maintain it for long….. 
But I felt like I had no choice… I had to be in the world with people… I had to function in society….and the only way I knew…and my Teachers were out of reach…this was possible was by putting in an energetic block to “keep out” everything I was tuning in to.   Well I never figured out a good method, so held the block for 20 years until it gave me Cancer….
I lost my ass on that deal…
So the moral of this story is,”
Don’t ever try to be,
 who you used to be,
for somebody else….
you could lose your ass in a deal like that.
It took me over 20 years to pick up Humpty Dumpty’s pieces and put them back together again…
(So I could once again throw them away…..)
And Taryn has yet to ask me to “go back to who I was yesterday”, and I appreciate that more than anything..

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