The Weight of the World..and Mankinds 2 worst diseases, Compassion and Intelligence.

Taryn is always telling me that I carry the weight of the world 

on my shoulders....

And I guess she is right..

And lately it has been Crushing me.

Because the thing is, 

I suffer from Mankinds two most devastating diseases,

Compassion....and Intelligence.

Do you know that right now,

 in some distant part of the world

 an innocent person is being murdered 

so some very rich person...

rich beyond our comprehension.....

can get still richer.

Somebody's child.....Murdered.

It goes on every day.

Wars created for the profit of a few,

financed by the many

who profit not, 

but rather lose.

That person who was murdered,

the millions of persons who have been murdered....

If only I had no compassion,

they would not be as a part of me...

If only I was ignorant,

and wasn't aware of the motives of greed,

behind their murder.

But they are part of me....

and I know why they died....

And try as I might

to simply "feed the Joy",

and "Be Here Now". 

I can't seem to Ignore the Evil that harms.

Because contrary to those I know

 who believe that

" being here now "

means

ignoring the past and fearing the future..

to me it includes the past...and future...

HERE NOW is not limited by time or space.

The world is in my heart...

How can I ignore any of the suffering there,

simply because it is Miles away,

or a few days past,

or yet to come.

I live in a country that claims to be,

"The Land of the Free and Home of the Brave".

Where only 1% of the population is Free.

And folks are living in constant fear.

Where the many are robbed

to support the few....as a matter of policy.

Where War on my fellow man,

and this planet I love,

is simply a means to satisfy the Greed of a very few

very evil and corrupt men.

And yet the whole of the population 

is forced to pay their financial tribute and support...

to this evil.

How can I ignore this?

How can I be at Peace 

while my Brothers and Sisters and Planet are suffering and dying?

Because of that disease of Compassion...

I know deep in my being...

that those brothers and sisters are not separate from me..

they are a part of me.

I cry a lot..

But don't get me wrong,

mostly I cry for joy and beauty.

It's ridiculous.. I can't watch children sing, or act, or dance...

I can't listen to people making music from their hearts,

or see their beautiful works of art...

Without crying for joy..

This really limits the range of my experiences out in the world..

I don't cry so much for the pain and suffering of all that I love,

because I suppose that would be admitting defeat.

I can't give that to the greedy bastards

 that OWN THE WORLD. 

But it crushes me...

I should be asleep right now.

3:44 AM

I can Feed the Joy...

BUT

I can't ignore the suffering.

I think if I could I would not be having the problems I am now with this body of mine.

I have pain all over...

I can't walk very far before the pain becomes too much.

Saturday we did a Mayfair.

After carrying stuff out to the car,

I had so much pain I wanted to scream.

Knees, legs, back, hands, feet, wrists, ankles,elbows

Everything Hurts

a Lot.

I went to the doctor a few times,

going to go again later this month.

They don't know.

DUH..

It's energetic

Nervous system..

And I really think that if I wasn't compassionate...

and didn't have the world inside of me..

And if I wasn't intelligent,

and able to perceive the evil 

that is harming this world..

I'd be fine.

I see these slack jawed folks walking by our booth at Market.

Just enough neurons firing in their brains to allow them to walk and function on a basic level.

And I envy their Peace.

I need to meditate again like I used to...

But I remember why I quit.

The Bliss, the Ecstasy

and the Peace

 that I felt.

It didn't seem right..

and on one level was the ultimate in lonliness.

I was there alone,

and no matter what I would say to describe it to someone else...

they couldn't understand.

And it just seems like too much Joy, and Bliss, and Light, and love..

for one person to be experiencing, by themselves.

And try as I might I was unable to take anyone else there with me...

And today I realized 

that even as much as I do Love my fellow man...

My heart is still so guarded.

I have walls built around it to protect it from any more pain.

This feels so wrong ,

but I can't help myself.

Taryn wants to go to check out the

Science of Mind Church some time in Eugene.

I was married in that church to my first wife.

I liked it, not based upon Jive meant to further enslave,

but rather designed to teach one how to be free. 

 ButI avoid social things like this,

because....

The only way I feel I am in Integrity with myself,

and the only way I can interact with others

without having problems,

is if my heart is totally open...

And I'm afraid to totally let go to that...

I'm afraid I'll be too vunerable.

The more open I become..

the more I feel.

And the more I feel..

the more it hurts.

If only this world was not Ruled by greed.

If only there were not people sleeping on the streets.

If only we could all realize that 

WE ARE ONE THING 

If only we could all forgive ourselves

and Love US ALL.

Maybe then I could lay down this burdon 

down by the river side.